fek:
(via colleennika)
i probably love london more than i love new york, but this is bloody brilliant.
- Your food sucks. It all tastes like ass until American chefs take two months to do better what you’ve spent hundreds of years sucking at.
- The service in your restaurants sucks, because you have to instruct people how to tip by putting a mandatory charge on their tab, like many other countries that do this. Which is the wrong way of doing this, which is why every server you will every have in London will probably be an asshole.
- Your theater sucks. War Horse—no, really, War Horse—is the best thing you have up right now. Anything good you have on the West End came from us. And don’t bring up fucking Billy Elliot.
- Your nightlife is just stupid. Pubs close at 11, our bars don’t close until four. Who goes to bed at 11? Are you serious? So you guys open up clubs that close at 2AM that have two kinds of people in them: the kind who get unceremoniously drunk and piss on everything, or the places Prince Harry goes. And who wants to go there? Also, you only play American music. You think Kings of Leon are the Second Coming of Christ. The Kings of Leon play our bar mitzvahs, goddamnit. By the way: most of those rappers you guys play on repeat (and not even the good ones…50 Cent?!) still live in New York. Our clubs and nightlife might have their issues, but they blow yours out of the water. You guys wouldn’t know what to do with The Beatrice Inn if it crawled up your nose in a $100 bill.
- Nobody knows where anything is in London. Seriously. It’s like the worst parts of the West Village for an entire city. Everything is higgly-piggly or whatever dumb word you have for it. We live on a grid. A grid. You guys have the dumbest civic planning this side of kids eating Legos.
- OH. Don’t get me wrong. Our subways suck, for sure. But at least they’re supposedto work after midnight, and don’t cost half our income to ride. Also, an Oystercard? That just sounds stupid. Who’s running your design schemes, Lewis Carroll? Stupid. Oh, and, you wanna talk about EDGY? How about our D-Trains getting stabby again, edgy? Exactly.
- You guys have never had a nice day of weather in the history of the universe. Seriously. The only person Madonna has to compete with for causing a scene is the fucking sun. It’s yellow, it’s in the sky, sometimes, it…nevermind. Have you even been here in September? It’s like Central Park is trying to get in your pants and get you off, the weather’s so goddamned nice.
- Oh, and the pound is stupid-expensive. Like everything else in your city.
- Your tabloid newspapers make the New York Post look like The Paris Review.
- And Whole Foods on the Bowery, sure, Whole Foods sucks. But it’s in a pretty great location, and, fuck that, you know what sucks worse? Sainsbury’s. Sainsbury’s suuuuuuuucks. Which goes back to your food sucking.
- Do you have Brooklyn? Do you even know what a Brooklyn is? No, not David Beckham’s son. You’re stupid, shut up. [Quiet Moment: The article didn’t mention Brooklyn once, but didn’t refer to Manhattan exclusively. Go figure.]
- London’s celebrities are all on Big Brother and fucking suck. They’re mouthbreathing idiots. They make Tinsley Mortimer look like Jackie Kennedy.
- You guys have soccer—yeah, I called it soccer, goddamnit—teams. Multiple ones. Great. We have two baseball teams (including the 2009 World Series Champions), football teams (Including the 2008 Super Bowl Champions), hockey teams (I’m sure they Won Something Great recently), and a basketball team. All of them except for the Knicks could smash every London soccer player. Nothing else, just “smash” them.
- There is one—and only one—good song about Foggy London Town. There are as many songs about New York as there are New Yorkers, and most of them are awesome.
now, are my-large-metropolis-can-beat-up-your-large-metropolis pissing contests immature, petty, deeply wrongheaded, usually ill-informed, and generally representative of a lot of things i normally really dislike… sure. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND: It’s like Central Park is trying to get into your pants and get you off! HATERS TO THE LEFT.
this just made me crack the hell up
